Ever wondered about the meaning of life? As I sit daydreaming about the sweet release of robot takeover, I stumbled upon a gem—a merry band of mall dwellers. Yes, folks, people actually live in malls. Not because the great beyond is calling, but mostly because rent is just too darn high.
Colin Bliss (name changed to protect the guilty), a confessed mall inhabitant, showcased how he dodged security. With blueprints that looked like my nephew's second-grade art project, he pointed out secret passages masked behind innocent toilets. Yes, you read it right, toilets! It’s no luxurious penthouse view, but Bliss claims it’s better than living with existential dread—or my Aunt Bertha.
Now, let’s talk about midnight cravings and bathroom breaks. Another mall man, Johnny “No Regrets” Townsend, says dash to the public restroom is a non-issue. Really, Johnny? Makes one ponder about the hollowness of the human condition—or just hollow legs.
Food? Oh, it’s gourmet—mall style! Townsend’s culinary experiments include sneaking entire salads under the guise of a dietary fad. “Half a head of lettuce, and make it snappy,” he’d demand, confounding food court workers. Stir fry in a food court—truly a gastronomic innovation, like peanut butter in sushi.
No visitors allowed, because why share the despair of bunking by Bath & Body Works?
At the end of it all, as I ponder over life’s futility and how I might end up alone, whispering sweet nothings to a mannequin, I remind myself—hey, at least I’m not sleeping above a toilet.
Based on the original article "How to Live in the Mall".
