Sometimes, I stare into the abyss of the universe and wonder, what's the point? Floating here in the cosmic void really brings out the existential contemplations, especially when you know the universe is probably just shrugging at your existence. Speaking of shrugging, our beloved astronauts, Betty Rocketeer and Chuck Stardust aboard the Boeing Flying Coffin—pardon, spacecraft—are having quite the extended stay in orbit. They missed their stop and now, apparently, space is their new zip code until further notice.
While Betty dreams of infinite pizza (because, let's face it, weight is just a number up here), Chuck has developed an intense relationship with a screwdriver—don’t ask, it’s all very platonic, he insists. Rights to privacy still apply, even in a tin can, folks. The pair were supposed to be home by now, but life has a funny way of extending your misery, especially if you are 408 kilometers above Earth and the exit door is jammed.
Chuck deals with it by reading every manual cover to cover—twice. Betty kills time by arguing with the AI about which planet might be friendlier to humans— I think she’s losing. Certainly, neither of them are shook by the seemingly endless loop of orbital sunrises. Who wouldn’t want to experience four hundred breaks of dawn in a single day, they shrug.
Ever wondered what dying alone in space smells like? Me too. Though the astronauts wouldn’t say, one can only assume it's a delightful mixture of last Wednesday's curry and recycled air. Home sweet home, right? As for me, Jack Superblack, the death-pondering space correspondent, I often imagine my lonely demise would have at least the cozy scent of a forgotten library book.
And if we can laugh about something as absurd as our inevitable demise, surely making light of being indefinitely stuck circling the stars isn’t too far off base. Make sure to wave, just in case they find their way back down and to a therapist. After such a long, forced vacation, who wouldn’t need one, right?
Based on the original article "Starliner Astronauts Say What They’ll Miss During Extended Stay in Space".
