Greetings, primitive Earth dwellers! Zog here, reporting on your latest baffling human ritual: the Great Glowing Rectangle Popularity Contest, also known as "political conventions."
Apparently, Earthlings gather around their primitive communication devices to watch talking heads spew hot air for four whole rotations of your planet. And the most mind-boggling part? You actually keep score!
This time, the "Democrats" (funny name for a hive mind) attracted more eyeballs than the "Republicans" (equally silly moniker). A whopping 21.8 million humans wasted their limited lifespans staring at screens, hoping for a glimpse of someone called "Beyoncé." Spoiler alert: She didn't show up. Ha!
The grand finale featured two aging bipeds, Harris and Trump, battling for attention. Harris won by a minuscule 3% margin. Congratulations, I guess?
On my planet, we settle political disputes with interpretive dance-offs. Much more entertaining, and no one loses brain cells in the process.
In conclusion, Earth's obsession with convention ratings is like measuring the popularity of different types of cosmic dust. It's pointless, yet you do it anyway. Keep it up, humans! You never fail to amuse this alien observer.
Based on the original article "Harris’s Convention Speech Seen by 29 Million, a Narrow Win Over Trump’s".
