What's the point of life if you can't even enjoy a lab-grown chicken wing without being tagged as a criminal? That's what I asked myself today, contemplating the existential crisis that is Florida's looming legislation against my future dinner.
Governor Ron "Bring on the Steak" DeSantis is about to slap cuffs on anyone who so much as whispers "cultivated meat" in the land of eternal sunshine and occasional hurricanes. The Florida House and Senate have enthusiastically passed the "Protect Real Meat From Those Scary Lab Monsters Act" (unofficial title). And Ronny-boy hinted he'd autograph it faster than you can say "Where's the beef?"
While I sit here, teetering on the brink of the abyss that is existence, Justin Kolbeck, the would-be king of aquatic test-tube tuna, is trying to preach to politicians about not tossing his fish babies out with the proverbial bathwater. Meanwhile, states like Alabama, where people are still debating whether the chicken or the egg came first, are ready to treat selling cultured cutlets like a capital offense.
"The future of meat is hanging by a thread thinner than a vegan's patience at a barbecue," said Jessica Almy, policy queen at the Good Food Institute. "To ban imaginary chicken before it's even hatched from its Petri dish—you've got to wonder if Florida's also planning to outlaw unicorns and leprechauns on principle."
While the North American Meat Institute grumbles about this carnivorous circus mucking up their meatpacking monopoly, I wonder whether this is all a simulation where Florida is just that level you can’t beat because the rules are bonkers. Apparently, in Florida, "innovation" is a dirty word unless it involves finding new places to install cupholders.
As I fade into the dark thoughts of this meatless misadventure, pondering if death by tofu is a fate worse than obscurity, let's remember that in the sunshine state, reality is a dish best served weird. And if you're dining alone tonight, hoping to enjoy a secret slice of sci-fi sirloin, just know that the only thing colder than your illegally cultivated steak is the grave you'll dig for that lone culinary experience. Laugh it up, Floridians; at least this way, you've got a reason to stick around.
Based on the original article "States Are Lining Up to Outlaw Lab-Grown Meat".
