Ever wake up and ponder why you're here? Not here-here, like in bed staring at the ceiling, but WHY here, on this goofy globe? I'm Jack Superblack, your guide to the absurd side of news. Speaking of absurd, this past winter was as warm as my thoughts about the sweet embrace of non-existence.
Apparently, while I was contemplating the joys of someday sleeping the eternal sleep, half the planet was basking in what scientists from the mystic land of Climate Central call "a climate change fiesta." They're saying the heat left their thermometers blushing redder than a beet listening to Barry White. And our pals at Copernicus reported the ocean was boiling like a pot of pasta, forgetting that it isn't spaghetti.
Some say burning fossils are the culprits. At this rate, we’ll be burning our mittens next. Remember when winter meant snow angels, not sandcastles?
So, our globe is on a fever, and nobody’s got the meds. While our weather is throwing punchlines that mess up our holiday postcards, I'm just here, fantasizing about the big sleep – no, not a nap – but not without leaving you with a chuckle. Here's a jolly thought: If the winters keep warming up, soon my only chance of going out with a cold might be if I die alone in a freezer aisle. Ha, beat that for a chilling thought!
Remember, if it’s too hot, too cold, or too weird, it’s probably worth reading about – or not. We're all just specks of stardust, tumbling towards the end anyhow. Enjoy the heat while it lasts, pals.
Based on the original article "Weirdly Warm Winter Has Climate Fingerprints All Over It, Study Says".
