Ah, the eternal question: what's the meaning of life? I ponder this as I, Jack Superblack, consider the Senate's latest stance on flavored vapes—that life-giving nectar of delectable doom. Apparently, the F.D.A. and five bored senators, whose most exciting moment of the week is choosing a tie, are up in arms over candy-flavored vapors.
The senators scribbled frantic notes to CEOs of every store you've wandered into at 2am, begging for sanity: Please, think of the children and their... lungs!. Picture it: a government official in a pinstripe suit shaking a fist at 7-Eleven because Blueberry Burst might just lead to existential addiction—who are we but slaves to cravings?
Senator Dick Durbin, man of the hour, is valiantly crusading against this teen seduction by nicotine nymphs. I bet he'd have a solid-copper bust at F.D.A. headquarters if he had his way, honorably inscribed with: He saved the kids from vape predators. And while the mention of these bigwigs gives me flashbacks to times when the meaning of life seemed less like a black hole of despair, it mostly cements my certainty: we're all destined for a lonely demise.
Elf Bar and Funky Republic—those sounds like names from an adult fantasy club. Yet, here they stand, bold-faced on letters warning of public health threats. Little do they know, the biggest existential quandary is looming... Want to hear a killer joke? What has colorful smoke and leaves you alone at the end? No, not a murderer at a disco—it's life, buddy. And just like illicit vapes, it might be full of artificial sweetness, but it sure isn't FDA approved.
Based on the original article "Top Senators Urge Stores to Stop Selling Illicit Vapes".
