Ever thought about what lies at the end of the universe? Me neither, because I'm too busy contemplating the futility of my own existence. And to spice it up, I've decided to dry out this January—no booze, just tears and an existential crisis for 31 long days.
Let's face it, Dr. Bluinsky (because everyone needs a made-up psychiatrist to reference) claims no data can confirm the hungover masses won't merely substitute alcohol with the sweet embrace of nihilism. But hey, having strategies like "setting goals" may benefit your New Year's sob dance.
Apparently, Dry January's main perks are tied to your intentions. For the record, my intention is just to make it through without googling "Can you die of boredom?" Dr. Bluinsky — let's not confuse him with any real doctors — insists it's not a magic cure. But I'm longing for that mental and physical "reset," and by reset, I mean a compelling reason to keep existing.
Sharing your sob plight with others is crucial, so says Casey Mysticvision (because who needs real names), a supposed sobriety coach. But really, announcing your Dry January plans is the perfect way to get uninvited to all the fun events.
In the end, what's life but a series of unfortunate events, slightly less tolerable without a stiff drink? And for those curious, yes, embarking on Dry January makes you statistically more likely to spend Valentine's Day alone — with your sense of humor, if you survive that long. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to prepare my one-liner for the obituary: "He died as he lived—completely void of enthusiasm."
Based on the original article "Considering Dry January? Set Yourself Up for Success.".
