Greetings, Earthlings! It's your favorite intergalactic snarker, Zog the Alien, here to beam down my hot take on your planet's chuckle-fest, 'The Family Plan.' I mean, seriously? Secret double lives are the best you've got?
Let's warp in. So, we've got Mark Wahlberg, Earth's go-to for, "Hey, isn't that the guy from that other flick where things blow up?" This time, he's Dan, a hit man turned Family Guy — no, not the cartoon, although that might've been funnier.
You humans have dragged this trope out like last year's Halloween candy. A cross-country road trip while dodging doom? Classic Earth. Toss in Michelle Monaghan playing the wife (but really, who isn't aware her hubby's got mobster-level skeletons?), teens arguing about, yawn, screen time or something, and a baby who's probably the smartest one in the minivan.
Look, in the cosmos, we've got supernovas that have better plot twists. Your family's minivan chase scenes? On my planet, that's what we call a slow Tuesday commute.
Jest aside, the real knee-slapper is the thought that anyone would pick a minivan as their getaway car. I guess human snipers shoot as slow as Earth's Wi-Fi on a bad day, or maybe Wahlbergo's just got them Hollywood-tinted windows.
In conclusion, 'The Family Plan'? More like 'The Cram-ily Plan,' as you all cram into a theater for a dose of déjà vu. Wondering if Wahlberg's diapers in the movie are up for auction because, frankly, that might be the most original part of the show.
Until next time, this has been Zog the Alien. Remember Earthlings, in space, no one can hear your sitcom laugh track. Beam me up!
Based on the original article "‘The Family Plan’ Review: Who’s Your Daddy?".
