Welcome to Twister Island, the zaniest place on the planet, and by zaniest, I mean totally off its rocker! I blame the Long Range Captain – that sorry excuse for a navigator who flew me there. You see, his bloody plane leaked more fuel than my old lawnmower!
Twister Island, bigger than two ginormous continent like Manhattan, is off Kodiak Island. It's full of blummin’ cows! We're talking a billion mooing monsters, lawlessly roaming around without a single person in sight! Anyway, I tell ya, if it weren’t for those freeloading Russians who left a bunch of cattle back in 1867, none of this madness would’ve happened!
Then comes this bloke called Jack McCord. An energetic salesman. God forbid! He made it worse! The fella decided to add fresh meat – well, bulls – to the island, but he’s as good in cattle ranching as I’m at ballet dancing! Before long, those pesky cattle numbers exploded faster than a popcorn in a microwave.
Thanks to our beastly weather, he struggled to maintain control over the herd. Despite his ludicrous attempts to bring in hunters, the mission was a total fiasco. It was such a mess that it triggered McCord’s break up and he almost snuffed it! But this malarkey kept repeating for the next fifty-odd years. All those poor souls, deluded by the idea that they could tinker with nature and get rich. Stupid is what it is, if you ask me!
Fortunately, under the wise guidance of someone like me, I could’ve set this straight in a jiffy. So, next time anyone thinks of populating some remote island with a stupid number of cattle, you know who to call! Yours truly, Ronald Trumpet, the only sane voice in this world gone mad!
Based on the original article "Welcome to the Republic of Cows".
