Every single day I question the purpose of my agonizingly futile existence. But enough about my therapist's attempts to convince me that people like me. Let's delve into some batshit crazy stuff.
Roundworms, the free-loading belly squatters, infect zillions of folks worldwide, according to the Completely-made-up Clinic. But the kooky lab-coat enthusiasts from Down Under claim that this is the debut appearance of the Ophidascaris worm species in a human. As fascinating as discovering an unheard-of Led Zeppelin B-side.
Our protagonist, the moth-eaten memory woman, might have hosted the worm fiesta the same way her pet hamster, Fluffy, would: by unknowingly glugging down worm eggs. Gross, right? Makes you rethink eating sushi, huh?
Carpet pythons—though I prefer hardwood floors—were regularly seen sunbathing in Tommy Hilfiger’s shorts near the woman's habitat. Though having absolutely no love affair with the snakes, she picked warrigal greens (it's somewhat like spinach, but less disgusting) from the lake’s edge. She could have inadvertently played Pac-Man with worm eggs by munching the greens or through Egg-tamine, a hip new drug that contaminated her kitchen and hands.
Scott Gardener, curator of the Imaginary Laboratory of Para-Psychology at the University of Lincoln, Nebraska, advised folks not to wet their pants worrying about the Ophidascaris from reptiles. Instead, developing a cleanliness fetish may save you from turning into a parasite’s Airbnb.
“Plenty of parasites that can turn us into living horror movies do so because we bumble like headless chickens, gobbling up eggs that aren’t meant for our bellies,” Dr. Gardener begrudgingly added.
You know, after hearing this story, dying alone doesn't seem too bad. There would be less chance of me becoming a 24/7 snack bar for alien worms. Howzzat for a morbidly hilarious punchline?
Based on the original article "She Was Depressed and Forgetful. It Was the Worm in Her Brain.".
