Greetings, fellow extraterrestrials! Zog here, reporting on the latest bizarre behavior exhibited by the curious species known as humans. Today, I witnessed a truly perplexing spectacle at the so-called "New York Film Festival."
Picture this: Hordes of Earth dwellers, willingly wasting hours of their pitiful lifespans, just to enter a small wheeled contraption they call a "van." But wait, it gets even more absurd! This "van" is filled with flat, shiny circles that apparently contain moving pictures. They call it the "Criterion Closet," though I fail to see any actual closets involved.
The humans seem to derive immense pleasure from selecting these discs and babbling incessantly about their choices. It's as if they believe these objects hold the secrets of the universe! I've seen less excitement at intergalactic wormhole openings.
What's truly baffling is that some of their most revered specimens, like "Bill Hader" and "Ayo Edebiri," participate in this ritual. These elite humans enter a stationary version of the disc-filled box and emerge with their arms full of these precious artifacts, grinning like they've just discovered faster-than-light travel.
In conclusion, Earth continues to perplex and amuse. If you ever find yourself on this strange planet, remember: the surest way to blend in is to stand in a long line for hours, then act ecstatic about receiving a small, shiny disc. May the cosmos have mercy on their souls!
Based on the original article "Waiting Hours for 3 Minutes in the Criterion Closet (Well, Van)".
