Oh, the existential dread of staring into a pile of snow in August! I, Jack Superblack, recently took a break from contemplating the bleak void of my existence to look at heaps of snow via a webcam. Why, you ask? Well, because nothing screams "I'm totally fine" like watching snow in summer.
As I watched this snowy bounty, saved up more meticulously than my collection of "Days Until I Don't Care Anymore" calendars, the director of some fancy ski place—I believe his name was Larry Winterlove—couldn’t stop grinning about his chilly treasure. He tells me, on a screen share so laggy it might as well be a slide show, "This is the most snow we've ever saved!"
They’ve got mounds of this stuff, folks—enough to fill what Larry claims are 100 Olympic-sized swimming pools. Apparently, this snowy bank lets them open ski tracks in November, even if Mother Nature decides to skip winter entirely. The irony of heating up our planet only to stash frozen water isn’t lost on me. It’s a bit like saving fireworks for a day when light no longer exists.
Now, aside from being a giant icebox, these snow piles have some wild uses. Larry, with excitement that almost made me less morose for a second, claims they can even cool buildings down during those scorching summers we keep having (because, you know, burning fossil fuels is still in vogue).
As I hear about how they even start grooming this snow in the autumn, spreading it around like butter on toast, I can't help but chuckle. Death might be inevitable, but here we are, painting slopes white in the endless pursuit of skiing.
In the end, as much as these antics tickle my dark humor, it’s just humans doing what we do best—pretending everything’s A-OK. So here’s to dying alone on a warm, winterless planet, cozied up next to a pile of artificial snow. Cheers!
Based on the original article "Ski Resorts Are Stockpiling Snow to Get Through Warm Winters".
