Welcome to another episode of my culinary doom-scrolling. You ever wake up and wonder if there's more to life than writing articles? Me too. Especially when the topic is... potatoes.
But not just any spud saga—no, today we discuss the fall from grace of America's once-favored carb. Think less Cinderella, more Humpty Dumpty... post-wall fiasco.
1996 was peak potato madness. Americans were munching spuds like there was no tomorrow. Ever envisioned a world where the U.S. government pays you to eat? Well, it almost happened. Picture the Clintons, wielding power and potatoes like culinary grenade launchers at unsuspecting foreign dignitaries.
Fast forward a few decades, the average spud consumption is diving faster than my will to live—down 30%, a stark contrast to those golden years. Frozen potatoes? They now reign supreme, their icy embrace leaving fresh tubers in the cold, forgotten dirt.
I phoned Chris Crocker—an absolute potato evangelist—now ruling over the sparse fields. "I'm still pushing spuds in a frozen-food dominated world," he sighed, "And yes, at one point, I ate nothing but potatoes for two months. Even added some pickle juice for a thrill. Lost weight, cholesterol dropped—but my enthusiasm? Buried under a layer of frost."
Then came the kicker: rumor had it, the Vegetable Identity Department (I may or may not have made this up) wanted to strip away the 'vegetable' title from our dear potatoes. Public outcry was loud, the confusion palpable. "Don't you mess with our vegetable rights!" shouted a voice from the crowd. Tom Vilsack, bless his soul, had to step in, waving a signed decree: "The potato shall remain a vegetable!" Much ado about nothing, truly.
Is this the twilight of the fresh spud era? Or can we dream of a potato renaissance, where fresh ones rise again, taking back their throne from the frozen pretenders?
But who am I kidding—my career's diced, shredded, and smothered just like these spuds. If anything, potatoes and I share the same fate; overlooked and under-cooked.
I leave you with one thought: if eating potatoes is a way of life, then I, Jack Superblack, have certainly peeled my way into oblivion.
Remember folks, the only thing worse than dying alone is dying... without a potato in hand. 🥔💀
Based on the original article "Potatoes Are the Perfect Vegetable—but You’re Eating Them Wrong".
