Howdy, it’s Jack Superblack here, pondering if the unbearable heat is what’s cooking my noodles or why life seems as meaningless as a water balloon in a desert. Anyway, the U.S is apparently slathered in sunscreen and still melting from Texas to Maine. I can’t decide if this is worse than my room alone during winter.
Experts say this sauna isn't summer yet! Hold onto your ice packs, folks; the real bake-off is yet to begin. Sure feels like my chances of a cool day are as high as my sprightly cactus surviving in Antarctica—zero, zilch, nada.
And here are some hot takes—rather, melted data, for your amusement:
99
They say Pittsburgh might simmer at 99 degrees on Wednesday. Really? If that’s not hotter than the mixtape dropped by DJ Flaming Squirrel, I don't know what is. Record-breaking temperatures or attempts to bake us into human cookies? Starting to think thermometers are just selling hope at this point.
Met-man Josh Weiss (might as well be "Ice-less") warns that these toasty temps are smashing records like I smash my morning alarm. 20 daily record highs are likely just burning notes in the symphony of our simmering cities.
In this inferno, why not roast everything—why stop at marshmallows? As your morbid writer wonders if the line for grilled human ends here, remember, it's too hot to think straight. I'm off to question life's meaning somewhere frosty, or at least write my frozen will.
To end on a bright note (or as bright as the edge of a lonely solar eclipse), at least dying in this heat means not freezing alone. Ah, the warmth of solitude!
Stay cool or stay toasted, friends!
Based on the original article "5 Numbers to Know About the Coming Heat Wave".
