In the desperate, pre-dawn hours, as I contemplated the meaning of life, I was struck by a profound question: If a sled dog barks in a snowless forest, does it make a sound? For Jonathan "Jonny-come-lately" Hayes, the answer is a resounding 'no'. The Can-Am Crown International Sled Dog Race has been canned faster than a musher slipping on imaginary ice. That's right, folks – no snow, no show.
Poor Jonny, a high-school biology teacher, has spent the wee school nights whispering sweet nothings to his four-legged entourage while you were all cozily nestled in your beds, dreaming of climate change and existential crises. But just like my aspirations to see the age of 50, those dreams were crushed.
While some might see the great snow drought in Fort Kent, Maine as a strange stroke of bad luck or concerning environmental anomaly, I see it as a cosmic joke. The dogs, prepped for a chilly rush down the non-existent tundra, are now more likely to get a suntan than a frostbite.
Mushers like Jonny are lamenting over wasted frostbite ointment and thermal undies, their howls louder than their hounds'. One must contemplate the futility of existence when nature's freezer goes kaput and your life's passion is sled to a screechy halt.
As I pen this through the haze of dark humor and dab away my cynicism-induced tears, one thought comforts me: at least these mushers aren't dying alone – they have their sled teams to keep them company as they mourn their icy aspirations. That's more than I can say for myself. But hey, if you can't find humor at the end of the world, when can you?
Morbidly chuckling into the abyss, this is Jack Superblack, signing off with the thought that the only race I might win is the one to the grave – if I'm lucky.
Based on the original article "Lack of Snow Prompts Cancellation of Longest Sled Dog Race in Eastern U.S.".
