Ever find yourself questioning the meaning of life, watching the ceiling fan spin with the same enthusiasm as my will to live? I'm Jack Superblack, and today I'm whisking you away to the hilariously bizarre world of "We Are the Cosmos" – the '80s pop parody that defies time and logic.
Picture the scene: It's the dead of night, January 28, 1985, and a magical musical séance is underway. Over 20 wannabe pop-icons are crammed in a neon
lit A&M Studio, belting what they think is the next step to immortality; little do they know, the only thing immortal is the tax on leather pants royalties. Among the living – if you can call it that – were Michael Jackson, using a Walkman as though it were a pacemaker, and a film crew armed with Betamax cameras. Legend says not even a chorus of starving zombies could have deterred their mission.
We can thank the groovy ghosts of '84 for the fanciful fabrications of fairy-tale glamor that bedazzled that night. From perms so rigid they defied physics, to leotards so tight they threatened the space-time continuum, it was a sight best left undistorted by soberness.
Prince, ever the buzzkill, called it quits because he thought the tune was ghastlier than his own purple paranoia – but hey, 20 million copies sold, and who's laughing now? (Hint: not the dude who's pondering if death by spandex asphyxiation is worth it for a Grammy.)
"We Are the World" may have been a chart-topping necromancy, but "We Are the Cosmos"? A damn cosmic calamity! This mockumentary is the ultimate '80s chaos cauldron, more electrifying than the shock I'll get testing the bath water with a toaster.
In the end, we all die alone – but at least we can be accompanied by the howling laughter at the thought that we once thought shoulder pads were a good idea. Well, leave it to the '80s to teach us about fading into oblivion with style. Just like me, contemplating whether my last breath should be an overdose of synth-pop or just plain oxygen deprivation.
Based on the original article "How ‘The Greatest Night in Pop’ Got the ’80s Right".
